No, not me! I’m alluding to the saying “It’s not all over until the fat lady sings” because for my cancer journey it appears that the end is nigh, but not quite here.
I had my urological stent removed on Thursday 21st July and, to my immense relief, was able to discuss other concerns with the doctor carrying out the procedure. She reassured me regarding recent bladder symptoms so I can stop wondering about another cancer, (in that organ anyway). After it was removed the nurse asked if I would like to see the stent, and of course I did. It was much longer and thicker than I had imagined. See images. I remember the end which had been in my kidney as being a much finer wire than that shown in the diagram, but the end which was in my bladder was just like this. No wonder my bladder complained so much! Anyway, since then there has been no sign of blood and not one iota of discomfort – what a relief!
I am to have a scan in a few weeks time to see how my kidney is coping without help from the stent in my ureter then, if all is well, that will be that! Done and dusted, all gone, journey’s end, caput, finis. It will be the end of August/ early September by then, a complete year since I had the bleed which led to a diagnosis of cancer of the uterus. Some journey I tells ya!
As I’ve wittered on about in other blogs, I was very lucky to have very few side-effects from my chemotherapy, and my main concern then was, and still is now, the ‘energy crashing’ business. Many folk experience these crashes, it isn’t limited to those undergoing chemo. Other conditions like M.E., Lupus and Depression are some of many illnesses that cause it too – but I only know about chemo/post chemo. Strangely enough, there seems to be a considerable amount of sympathy for those of us experiencing this as a result of having had cancer treatment, but I get the impression that there is not the same amount of leeway given for folk with the other conditions. I want to try to record how these crashes feel because I am notorious for forgetting what it was like to be me at various stages of my life, and it might just help explain things for others too. Though I admit my main reason is the purely selfish former.
It’s not just being tired. Prior to last August I was a hillwalker so I know what it is like to experience tired muscles. I’ve even been in the situation where I’ve tried to stand and my legs have collapsed under me because the muscles had simply had enough – it is different. It’s not over-doing things either. I used to ‘meet myself coming back’ and filled every day as much as I could and unfortunately, despite warnings from friends, I did fall foul of this both-ends-candle-burning scenario occasionally; but tiredness or feeling weary because of taking on too much is different too. With energy loss your body’s batteries start running down – kind of like the computer ‘not responding’ – it’s still functioning with the wee circle spinning on the surface, but not actually succeeding in doing anything. Even thinking becomes more difficult. Then the batteries are simply empty and there’s no umph left.
I hasten to add, I’m not claiming it’s like being paralysed, if a wild boar had suddenly appeared when I crashed, I could still have escaped. I don’t refer to paralysis lightly either – I am fully aware what it is like because I used to have Grand Mal epileptic seizures, the result of which was that I literally – (in the correct use of the word ) – could not move a muscle, or even speak, for a good number of hours, or even days. However, these crashes are still debilitating physically, as well as mentally and emotionally .
So anyway, that’s it – you find there’s nothing there, empty tank, no fuel, no charge. There’s simply no choice, you have to stop and rest to re-charge. Sometimes for me the recovery is quick and a 10min sit-down is enough for me to carry on. At other times a 30min doze, still others a night’s sleep, then occasionally a day or days in bed! There is no knowing what each one is going to be like. I use the present tense here because I complacently thought I’d finished with them as my energy levels definitely increased, but a week ago Monday I had another big crash, so I am no longer as cocky about their putative demise. As with all the other aspects, this too will pass, so one just has to hang on in there and adapt to the limitations being imposed by the body in its attempts to recover and rebuild.
It really has been one heck of a journey, but thankfully due to masses of support from my friends, especially my fellow librarian who has taken on so much more work to cover for me, and to my partner, who has endured the main brunt of my bumpy travelling – I’ve come through the tunnel to the light at the other side. It’s been twelve months of a wild roller-coaster of emotions which now will lead to a nice wee toddlers’ ride I hope. I also hope that recording my journey with cancer will help others, in the same way as the advice given to me by those who travelled the road before me, made such a difference for me.
The Fat Lady is starting her final song now.